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Took us nearly 6 years but we made it to 40! Just ignore the fact that the first 13 were written within a month.
Hogwild School of S&M
Go-kart Madness
Where Icheb Went Wrong
The Greatets UC ever WRitten!!!
Comedians Don't Drink
The Email That Was a UC
Repo-Lady
The UC That Was Finally Written
The Halloween Episode
A U.C.
Hogwild School of S&M
~~~
Icheb: Where did my implant go?
Monika: We're on the holodeck... nice scar!
Qt: Why does he get to be Harry? I wanna be Harry! Harry's the star!
Nessa: You can be Ron.
Qt: But he's stupid.
Monika: He is not... I call dibs on Hermione!!!
Icheb: Sweet, we get to watch girls makeout!
Monika: *casts spell on Icheb* I'm going to BE Hermione, okay?
Icheb: *sprouting green bunny-rabbit ears* Yes'm.
Nessa: I wanna be Dumbledore!
Monika: But he kicked the bucket! Stick with the holoprogram, you're Ginny.
Nessa: *sulks* fine...
Qt: Ewww, she's my sister!
Nessa: Siblings are supposed to quarrel, right? *Bat bogey hexes Qt*
Qt: ARGH!!! They're EVERYWHERE!!!
Icheb: Hahaha, sucker! *drops glasses and steps on them* Dammit, I can't see!
Monika: *points wand at Icheb's glasses* Reparo!
Qt: *idly waving wand* So... tell me again why we're in the holodeck, pretending to be Harry Potter characters... incendio and all that rot *wand starts shooting off sparks and his robes catch fire*
Nessa: We don't have an HP crossover yet.
Monika: Do we have any other crossovers?
Nessa: *shrugging* maybe... we should check the archives.
Icheb: *watching Qt run around, robes ablaze* This is better than the hockey... he's getting injured!
Monika: What about your new aural talents?
Qt: *pauses in frantic running* Who's getting the 69?
Monika: Aural, not oral!
Nessa: *snickering*
Icheb: I happen to like these new ears... they're rather fetching on me.
Nessa: 'fetching'? More like... uh... okay, I can't think of an insult to that one.
Monika: *offering* Stupid?
Nessa: Yeah, that'll work.
Icheb: *glowers* Take them off!
Monika: *casts that humming sound spell on Icheb* There, he won't know the difference.
Icheb: Hey... I can't hear anything... who's humming? Stop with the humming already! Noooo, I hate that song!
Qt: *still running around on fire*
Nessa: S'pose we should put him out?
Monika: Nah. *stops humming curse on Icheb*
Nessa: Right then, where was I going with this story...
*hissing sounds come from behind tapestry*
Qt: Does anybody hear a gas leak? I'm already on fire, we don't need an explosion!
Icheb: *blushing* I meant for that to be silent. What happened to the humming? Now I hear somebody whispering... "going to kill" or something like that
Nessa: I only hear hissing.
Monika: *gasp* Like a snake!!!
Icheb: Yeah, so?
*Voldemort bursts from behind the curtain*
Qt: Who's this ugly bastard?
Nessa: *using Qt as a burning shield* That's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!!! We're gonna die!
Monika: Oh for fuck sake, just use his name. Voldemort!
Voldemort: Foolish children... *advancing upon them*
Icheb: What's he want then?
Qt: I dunno, but he's really ugly. Nessa, if you're going to use me as a shield, at least put me out!
Nessa: Fine. Finite Incantatem!
Qt: *flames extinguished, tattered robes slowly smoldering*
Monika: Hello! He wants to kill you, Icheb! I mean, Harry!
Icheb: Harry's here? Stupid Kim, he owes me money.
Monika: We're supposed to be all "Harry Potter" remember?
Icheb: Well nobody told me!
Nessa: *smacking forehead*
Voldemort: Any last words? Make them worthy!!! *looming above, all menacing-like*
Qt: I just can't get over how ugly he is!
Nessa: I suggest we run or attack.
Icheb: Sure, go all Freudian on us.
Voldemort: Hello, I'm trying to kill you pathetic mortals... pay attention to me!
Monika: Ooh, mister big-shot trying to impress us with his smarts!
Icheb: I'm smarter than you and you know it!
Nessa: Just because you've got the Collective knowledge in that over-inflated head of yours...
Qt: I do not!
Nessa: Pipe down, Ego-Boy
Monika: Leego my Ego!
Voldemort: *sighing and taking a seat on the floor*
Icheb: Just because I'm a former member of the Borg doesn't mean you can badger me about it!
Nessa: *glee* badger badger badger badger...
Monika: A mushroom, MUSHROOM!
Nessa: Badger badger badger badger...
Qt: *pointing at Voldemort* UGLY SNAKE!
Voldemort: My god you people are stupid....
Icheb: *waving wand* So what does this thing actually do?
Voldemort: THAT'S IT! AVADA KEDAVRA!
*UC Crew is knocked dead by jet of green light*
*holoprogram ends*
Nessa: Well, shit.
Qt: Where'd the ugly guy go?
Monika: Hello, that was part of the program!
Icheb: Aww, he could speak like a snake... and I understood it!
Nessa: *hisses at Icheb*
Icheb: What'd you say about my nipples? *glaring*
Monika: *falls over laughing* Next time, I wanna be Harry!
Qt: Just don't shave!
Monika: *stabs Qt in the eye with left-over wand*
Qt: Owww, my pride...
`Fin!
Back to top
Go-kart Madness
~~~
Qt: *to Monika* You’re a bitch.
Monika: WTF! That was sudden!
Qt: It had to be said.
Icheb: Yeah, bitch.
Nessa: Hey, you guys are mean!
Icheb: WE’RE MEAN?! YOU’RE the one who abandoned us! You toyed with our feelings, made us your emotional outlet for your petty teenaged hormones, then once you found guys for yourself, you dropped us like a FRIGGIN BAD HABBIT. *pants*
Qt: Whoa, dude. When did you become so deep?
Icheb: *glares* Whose side are you on?
Qt: *to Nessa and Monika* BITCHES!
Icheb: I’m tired of being your emotional lapdog.
Monika: But you’re so good at it!
Icheb: Humph.
Qt: He’s got a point. We never get any anymore.
Nessa: We’re sorry… we still love you.
Icheb: Could’ve fooled me.
Monika: Nessa’s right. We do love you!!! Forgive us!
Icheb: Hmm… how about— NO!
Nessa: How about we promise to spend all day with you—
Monika: Yeah, and do whatever you want. *grins*
Qt: Ohhhhhh…lala… that sounds sweet.
Icheb: Don’t give in. They’re lying.
Monika: No, we’re not.
Nessa: Honest! Chipmunk honor!
Icheb: Well…
Qt: Dude, come on!!!
Monika: *bats eyelashes* Please?
Nessa: Whatever you want to do…
Icheb: Oh…*hesitant* okay.
Nessa: YAY! *jumps onto Icheb*
Monika: Weee! *pounces on Qt*
Qt: *catches her* ah, I missed this.
Nessa: So *seductively* What do you want to do now?
*Boys glance at eachother*
Icheb and Qt: GOKARTS!
*Ten Minutes Later*
Monika: *to Nessa* You know, this isn’t what I had in mind.
Nessa: Leave it them to be idiots.
Icheb: I call BLUE CAR!
Qt: No way. MINE. *jumps in blue car*
Icheb: HEY! I CALLED IT!
Qt: *sticks out tongue* TOUGH NOOGIE!
Icheb: *pouts* Fine…*gets in red car* You suck *mutters*
Monika: Hehehe, Qt sucks…
Nessa: ROAR!
Qt: Ew.
Nessa: *hopes in green car* Yeehaw, let’s blow this house!
Monika: *nods and jumps in orange car*
Qt: Hehehe, blows…
Icheb: *sniggers*
Monika: Gross.
Qt: You started it. *veers engine loudly* You’re going down.
Nessa: We’ll see… we’ll see…
Announcer: And get REEEADY…
Monika: Yee! Girls rule!
Qt: Kiss my bumper…
Icheb: You’re what? Humper?
Nessa: ohhh.
Qt: Shut up, I’m trying to be mean!
Icheb: *nervous* I wanna win!
Nessa: vroom, vroom!
Announcer: 3…
Monika: Yee!
Announcer: …2…
Qt: Let’s get it on.
Announcer: —
Icheb: *steps on gas, taking off*
Nessa, Monika, and Qt: HEYYY!
Announcer: Go, you morons!
*The other three zoom forward*
Monika: *veering like crazy* FUCKKKK, outta the way! *crashes Nessa’s car*
Nessa: HEY! We’re supposed to be friends!
Monika: *shouting from ahead* Wise up, the road’s a rough place!
Icheb: *way ahead* LOSERS! I’m WINNING!!!! MWAHAHA!
Qt: *car has stalled* Shit, why me? Why’s it always me? *gets out and pushed car*
Nessa: AHHH! I WANT JEFF GORDON’S BABY!!!!!!
Icheb: *slamming on breaks* WTF!!
Nessa: *zooms ahead* SUCKA!
Monika: *tail gating Nessa* You will burn!
Nessa: *laughing head off* Wahhh! *looks up and swerves curve in track*
Qt: Shit, what am I doing? *snaps and nascar appears* That’s more like it.
Icheb: *jumps out of gokart and into nascar* FLOOR IT, Q!
Nessa: That’s not fair! Monika, block action!
Monika: Rodger!
Nessa: It’s Al!
*Girls block path while nascar zooms ahead*
Qt: Shit, they’re winning!
Icheb: DO SOMETHING! This is the last lap!
Qt: Er… *snaps and brick wall appears in road*
Nessa: ARGH! *swerves and nearly hits*
Monika: ARGH! Steers off of track and onto grass* YOU IDIOT!
Icheb: I said do something, not kill them!
Qt: Oh shit. Nessa’s still ahead… she’s gonna win… oh, well, might as well go out with a bang… *snaps and ramp appears ahead*
Icheb: Nononononononoooooo!
Qt: Too late.
*Car flies up on ramp*
Nessa: *stops gokart and gets out to stand with Monika* Wow.
*Car flies off of ramp and into nearby lake*
Monika: Well, that was exciting.
Nessa: Indeed.
Icheb: *splashing out of lake, hitting Qt* I said DO SOMETHING, you FOOL! ARGH!
Qt: Ow, stop hitting me!
*Boys stop in front of girls, bickering*
Monika: uhm… *grins*
Nessa: Monika, remember way back… what we said… that time with the pool full of ice cream?
Monika: *grins* Hell yeah. Velcro totally doesn’t work in water.
Nessa: Roar!
*Boys look down*
Qt: Well, there’s no graceful way out of this one.
Icheb: ARGHHHHH! *runs off screaming*
Monika: Quick Nessa, don’t let him escape!!!
Nessa: ROAR! Let’s go!
Icheb: LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M GOING TO AUSTRAILIA!
Qt: Dude, why?!
Icheb: I’M GOING TO KILL ZACH!!!!!!
LE FIN :-*
Back to top
Where Icheb Went Wrong
~~~
Nessa: *lounging on leather sofa* You know... after nearly 2 years of UCs, I've forgotten how straight and boring Icheb was... then I watch one of his episodes and instantly regret it.
Monika: *sipping on apple martini in a big plush chair* You took the words right out of my mouth.
Nessa: What are friends for! *looks around* Uh... where are we?
Monika: The UC Headquarters.
Nessa: We have an HQ? Awesome! When was it built?
Monika: I dunno, you just imagined it.
Nessa: Ooh, okay. It's nice... big ass expensive condo type place with a view that goes on for kilometres!
Monika: Miles!
Nessa: *sigh* You crazy Americans.
Monika: Who're you callin' American?
Nessa: *stares* Shall I fetch you another martini then?
Monika: Yesh indeed!
Nessa: *snaps fingers* Oh waiter!!!
Icheb: *comes trudging in wearing a tux with a cummer bund* I hate you so much.
Nessa: Another round of martinis for the ladies!
Icheb: Oh good, I don't have to do anything.
Nessa: *glares menacingly at Icheb*
Icheb: Right away, madam!
Monika: Where's my squishy ass?
Nessa: *shrugging* Probably enjoying the new bathroom. The magazine rack is to die for.
Monika: There's nudie mags in the loo?
Nessa: There is? *bolts off chair toward the bathroom*
Monika: *leaping ahead of Nessa and bangs on the door*
Qt: *shrieking* Don't come in!!! I'm not finished!!!
Nessa: You scream like a girl!
Monika: Qt, let us in, we wanna see the nudie mags!
Qt: There's nudie mags in here?
Nessa: Duh!
Monika: What've you been doing in there? Wait, don't answer that...
Icheb: Ahem... *handing girls their martinis* He's shaving his legs.
Qt: Itchy, you bastard!
Icheb: Serves you right!
Nessa: Hey, Itchy...
Icheb: *shivers* Woah...
Monika: wtf?
Icheb: You haven't called me Itchy in forever!
Monika: Did we ever call him 'Itchy'?
Nessa: I don't remember... it's been too long. Anyway, Itchy, we were wondering when you became so... I dunno... so like you are these days.
Icheb: Maybe when you guys stopped fooling around with us?
Monika: We don't mean your lack of action!
Icheb: Oh... dammit.
Nessa: *patting Icheb* You're still our little pawn.
Qt: *from the bathroom* Icheb went to jail, somebody bum-fucked him, now he's crazy.
Icheb: I hate you so much... YOU LIE!
Monika: *rubbing temples* Why are we still standing by the bathroom?
Nessa: I dunno... SHOTGUN! *takes a flying leap onto the couch and sloshing martini everywhere*
Icheb: Stop wasting the vodka!
Qt: *coming out of the bathroom* I wanted the couch!
Icheb: You didn't let me have the blue car. Life has come full circle.
Qt: No it hasn't! What have you been smoking?
Icheb: Neelix's stash. *offering joint* Wanna puff?
Nessa: You do realize you've just been smoking hay, right?
Icheb: Let me have my placebos!
Qt: Neelix frightens me.
Monika: He frightens everybody.
Icheb: Hey, weren't we talking about me?
Nessa: I think so... right, your so-called 'life story'.
Icheb: Exactly. It all began when...
*wavy flashback wiggly stuff*
Nessa: *at computer, writing up story about Icheb* And.... done! Hopefully somebody out there likes it...
*a 7 hour drive away in America*
Monika: Hey, an Icheb story! This better be good... *reads* Hahaha, awesome! I wonder if she's got more Icheb stuff... he's so hot...
*back to Canada*
Nessa: *reading comments* Yay, I'm loved! Now who's this Monika person? Time to send out Icheb propaganda! *sends email to Monika*
*America*
Monika: WOOT! Icheb sites! *surfs*
*meanwhile, in the Q Continuum, a week after Nessa gave Zach the 'let's just be friends' line*
ZachQ: Why doesn't she love me??? I've done everything I can, I even asked her out, we went out, but she just wants to be friends! *sobs*
Q Jr: Dude, stop crying... it's freaking me out.
ZachQ: *doodles 'I heart Nessa' on backpack* With all the powers of the Continuum, I can't make a girl love me back.
Q Jr: Maybe if you had one of her worldly possessions...
ZachQ: That's a brilliant idea! I'll pay you a hundred bucks to steal a pair of Nessa's undies.
Q Jr: Make it a thousand and it's a deal.
ZachQ: Fine, whatever... there's no monetary limits in the Continuum...
*back to the real world*
Nessa: Wait, wait, wait... I thought this story was about Icheb!
Icheb: It is! I have to lay down the whole background first. Now, as I was saying...
*flashback*
*in Astrometrics, on Voyager*
Q Jr: Hey, Itchy... have you learned nothing from our previous adventure and episode thereof? Stop working and have a little fun!
Icheb: I have no time for fun. I need to finish my assignments.
Q Jr: You mean the ones you finished a week ago and are proof-reading for the millionth time?
Icheb: I like to make sure I've done a thorough job.
Q Jr: Man, you are killing me. Screw the assignments, let's turn your fancy to the wonderful world of GIRLS.
Icheb: Girls? Why? I have no need to procreate at this time.
Q Jr: *slapping forehead* It's not about making babies... well, the first step of that is rather fun if you end up failing, but that's not the point.
Icheb: Do you mean sexual realtions for recreational purposes?
Q Jr: Yeah! *clapping hand on Icheb's shoulder* Itchy, it's time you learned about the fairer sex.
Icheb: The what?
Q Jr: Girls.
Icheb: Oh.
Q Jr: So, let's start off with Seven. Wait, no, that's just wrong... she's like your mother. Eww. Though she's got an awesome pair of hooties. Uhm... B'elanna...
Icheb: I'd rather not discuss B'elanna.
Q Jr: Good point. She's pregnant anyway.
Icheb: Naomi Wildman is a girl.
Q Jr: NOOOOOOO! LORD NO! Yes, she is a girl, but she's too young. You don't want to go there, trust me.
Icheb: *getting defensive* Go where? I was merely stating a fact.
Q Jr: Oh... right. Sorry, man. It's all good. Why don't we start you off in the holodeck.
*boys march off to the holodeck*
*one month later*
*in Canada*
Nessa: *searching through closet* Where the hell are my pink undies? I swear the dryer didn't eat them... *logs onto AIM* Monika!!! I can't find my undies!
Monika: Your point being?
Nessa: I dunno where I put them...
Monika: Canadians are weird...
Nessa: Ah well, they'll turn up eventually... let's check out eBay for Icheb stuff...
Monika: Now you're talkin!
Nessa: WTF!!!
Monika: What?
Nessa: My undies! They're ON EBAY!!!
Monika: Well, you can't get them back... the auction is over.
Nessa: Whoever this 'Itchy' person is, I'm gonna kill them. That bastard bought my underwear!
Monika: You don't suppose... nah...
Nessa: What?
Monika: Remember the episode with Q's son and Icheb?
Nessa: It's gotta be coincidence. Anyway, I gotta get going. Bye!
Monika: ttyl!
*back to the Q Continuum*
ZachQ: It's been a month. Where are the undies?
Q Jr: *counting out wad of cash* What undies?
ZachQ: Nessa's undies! The ones you were supposed to steal for me!
Q Jr: Do it yourself, I have better things to do with my time than petty theft for your own personal enjoyment.
ZachQ: I want those undies!
Q Jr: If you want them so badly, steal them yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to meet somebody. *snaps and disappears*
*Astrometrics on Voyager*
Seven: Icheb, you haven't finished your work for the day. You haven't even started.
Icheb: *staring off into space* Huh? Oh... uh... I was busy with other stuff.
Seven: What 'other stuff'?
Icheb: Nothing... it doesn't matter. Uhm, I need to ask you something...
Seven: Yes?
Icheb: Since I don't really need to regenerate anymore... I wanted to know if it was alright with you that I ask Captain Janeway for my own quarters. I can set up an alcove in there just in case!
Seven: Have you spoken with the Doctor on this?
Icheb: Yeah... he said it was alright.
Seven: I shall think about it. Go talk to the Captain now.
*Icheb leaves and Q Jr appears*
Q Jr: You gotta cut the umbilical cord sometime...
Seven: *silently continues with her work*
Q Jr: You can't baby him forever! He's gotta grow up sometime!
Seven: *continues to ignore Q Jr*
Q Jr: He's gonna get wise to the world... I'll see to it.
Seven: *gasps and turns around but Q Jr is already gone*
*a week later*
*in Icheb's new quarters*
Q Jr: Wow, nice place you got here...
Icheb: It's comfy.
Q Jr: At least you can hide your porno stash more easily... by the way, where is it?
Icheb: You'll have to find it yourself.
Q Jr: Hey, I can find anybody's porno stash! But not right now. Where are those undies?
Icheb: *pulls them out of a drawer*
Q Jr: Nice... but only one pair... man, we, er, you need more.
Icheb: Why not go back to where you got this pair from? *furrows brow* Oh bugger, I'm needed.
Q Jr: What?
Icheb: Cahra... she and this other girl talk to me sometimes.
Q Jr: Since when?! And how does she contact you?
Icheb: Cahra's a former Borg. We've got this hyper-link thing going on.
Q Jr: Can I come?
Icheb: I don't see why not... then maybe they both won't be all over me.
Q Jr: Sweet!
Icheb: They like bugging this other guy... his name's Zach. He says he's a Q... do you know him?
Q Jr: *expression darkens* Unfortunately. You guys can talk a little while, I'll lurk in the shadows.
Icheb: Alright then... let's go!
*Q Jr snaps, whisking him and Icheb off Voyager*
*Nessa's bedroom*
ZachQ: Hey!
Cahra: Yo!
Nessa: Hey, I'm here too...
Cahra: Shhh... do you want them to know that there's two of us?
Icheb: I'm right behind you two... how obvious is that?
ZachQ: G'day to all
Nessa: I need to talk to a man about a wallaby
Cahra: haha... 42 Wallaby Sydney!
Icheb: I'm not part of this
ZachQ: Hey ladies, is this guy bothering you?
Cahra: Not at all, we love him!
Nessa: Oooh... *drool*
Icheb: Help... me...
Cahra: I think we scared him off...
Nessa: He went and hid. But we can see his feet, he's under the bed.
Icheb: *from under bed* no I'm not!
ZachQ: Icheb's looking at porno under there
Icheb: No... but I found Nessa's diary...
Nessa: GIMMIE THAT!!!!!!!!!!
ZachQ: No he's looking at your undies
Icheb: Those are in the wash, I already looked
Nessa: Thanks a lot...
Nessa: You'll never find my porno stash...
Cahra: And I thought I was the crazy one!
ZachQ: You all are. So Itchy, how's your wankin' buddy, Q?
*Q Jr bristles at ZachQ but remains hidden*
Nessa: You know... my undies were recently stolen and then the very same pair were on eBay. The winning bidder was someone named 'Itchy'
Icheb: *cough* really?
Cahra: *falls over laughing*
ZachQ: Yeah i heard about that
Nessa: Should I be mean and tell him those were my sister's undies?
Icheb: WHAT?!?!?! *vomits*
Nessa: I'm kidding.
Cahra: Let him keep the undies... he should frame them since they were brand new
Icheb: Don't do that... that was gross
ZachQ: Haha... Itchy
Cahra: Nessa's sister... that was mean but funny
Nessa: I know
Icheb: You're horribly cruel, do you know that?
Nessa: Oh yeah... *thrust*
Cahra: Duff girl!
ZachQ: Duff girl will save the day.
Cahra: After this beer...
Nessa: Cheers *raises mug*
Icheb: Where'd you get that? Besides, we're underage
Nessa: The replicator
Cahra: We got past the security codes
Q Jr: Could I have one too?
Nessa: Whoa, where did he come from?
Icheb: He followed me.
Cahra: *oblivious to Q Jr* Bear bear bear buh buh buh bear bear bear
Nessa: Isn't it 'beer', not 'bear'?
Cahra: Not when we're partying... and it looks like we've got two sexy guys to party with! Not you, Zach.
Icheb: So it's a party now?
Cahra: Yeah, there's like... 7 people here!
Nessa: I still have some pixie sticks left
Icheb: Alright!
Q Jr: Wow, Itchy... I never though I'd see you this footloose and fancy free.
ZachQ: It's the apocalypse...
Cahra: Don't you know it *squeezes Icheb's... (cough)*
Nessa: *laughs*
Cahra: Mmm, nice and firm.
Icheb: I should take that as a compliment
ZachQ: Remember, Icheb, you don't have omnipotent control of matter, space and time
Q Jr: You jerk, that's my line!
Cahra: Hehe.... *squish squish*
Nessa: Let me have a turn!
ZachQ: Someone's mind is dirty tonight
Icheb: Would you stop that!
Cahra: Why? it's so nice... soft and firm...
Nessa: Very dirty. you have no idea
Icheb: *retaliates against Cahra*
Cahra: This isn't retaliation when I like it
Nessa: Alright! I gotta email from Monika
Icheb: Ah yes, another one of my adoring fans
Cahra: You're lucky you have fans
Icheb: I'm not Wesley, remember?
ZachQ: So...
Icheb: This is what happens when you go to bed at 3am and wake up the next day using chocolate covered raisins
Cahra: We had muffins for breakfast
Nessa: No, it was lunch. We woke up at 12, remember?
Cahra: Oh yeah...
Icheb: My point exactly
ZachQ: Ohh well
Cahra: I think Zach's dead.... we grossed him out so bad, he died
Nessa: No, he can't die. he's like a disease
ZachQ: Shut up
Icheb: Comparably true
Nessa: Big words are fun... must come from a *whispers*
Icheb: Jeese, when did you start this?
Cahra: When I was created
Icheb: Hehe... where'd Q-ball go?
Q Jr: I'm looking for Nessa's porno stash
Nessa: You can't find it all
Cahra: Yeah, there's that one elusive one that's hidden on *whispers to Nessa*
Nessa: No, it's not there anymore...
Icheb: I know where it is
ZachQ: Icheb, run away
Icheb: Can't... they keep dragging me back
Cahra: Kicking and screaming
Nessa: Just the way we like it
Q Jr: Found it! *leaps up, waving porno mag* Wait, these are all naked men!
Nessa: I'm a girl. I like naked men.
Cahra: And how!
Icheb: *gulps*
ZachQ: I give up. *disappears*
Q Jr: Thank Q he's gone. I can't stand him.
Nessa: Really? Finally, some one who understands my pain!
Q Jr: Yeah yeah, that's nice... C'mon Itchy, they're nice but we've got better and bigger things to do.
*boys disappear*
Cahra: Hey, he took your porno mag!
Nessa: *shrugs* Joke's on him.
*back to reality*
Icheb: And that's basically what happened.
Qt: *snoring*
Monika: That was actually more of a story about how the UC was started...
Nessa: My god, he told a story that was supposed to be about himself that wasn't completely centered around him.
Monika: He's not our adorable little Q-ball, remember? *pinching Qt's cheek*
Qt: *wakes up* GAH!
Nessa: So it's all Qt's fault Icheb's no longer a stiff?
Icheb: Yeah, pretty much.
Monika: I can't believe I'm saying this... but, thank you, Qt.
Qt: You used to thank me all the time!
Nessa: Not anymore, el Romeo.
Icheb: I miss the good old days. Stupid Dave... stupid Bill...
Monika: I was wondering when they'd come up in all of this...
Nessa: They didn't come into the picture for another few months, remember?
Monika: Yeah... the good old days were short.
Icheb: Kill me. Please.
Nessa: No. We can still use you for our cruel little games.
Qt: Sex games?
Monika: No. There's no commitment.
Icheb: Was there ever any before?
Nessa: *raises finger to make a point* ... FUCK!
Monika: Nuts to you... get me the rope.
Qt: Now we're talking!
Nessa: What about our boyfriends?
Qt: That's what Q powers are for... amnesia.
*girls look at each other*
Monika: Well, when he puts it that way...
Nessa: *shrugs* What the hell. *pounces on Icheb and rips his clothing off*
Icheb: PRAISE JESUS!
Nessa: Religion has nothing to do with this, bitch! *backhands Icheb while sitting on his chest*
Qt: Whoo, S&M...
Monika: Your name starts with a Q, not S. *starts tying up Qt*
Qt: I'm so glad I'm a Q...
Icheb: *looking at Qt meaningfully* Me too.
Finis!
Back to top
The Greatets UC ever WRitten!!!
~~~
Nessa: OMG you guys this is the best uc ever!!!
Monika: what? hwy?
Icheb; oh bloody sheelll she's gone and havde something to drink
Nessa: shut up I can tuype you smely head!
Qt: this is awesome. We're all ways like "owha omg we're drunk lookit the weoodbshcuks" but now Nessa is really drunk--
Nessa: GBUzzed! I'm buzzed, kay?
Monika: who's whay?
Nessa: KAY!
Icheb: she cant type. this is funny.
Nessa: typos are my freinds :)
Qt: you can't use smiley fiaces! and woaw, it's like 11ocliock.
Monika: so? I wanna get drn! too!
Nessa: guys I don't see any woodchucks... I think they're hiding.... holy fuck I'm suzy
Icheb: sxuzy?
Nessa: dizzy, I can't type for shit *hic*
Qt: omg she has the hiccups
Nessa: it's trye! true... *hic*
*hic*
Monika: shit this is weird
Icheb: yeah... lookit the pretty colours...
Nessa: I'm not high, you idiot. lol
Monika: you're not gonna be able to read this tomorrow morning
Nessa: *hic* my family is making fun of me cuz I'm hiccuping
Icheb: Nessa can't hold her liqure!~
Nesa: I think that's spelt liguor
Qt: no it's liqour
fuck I can't spell
Monika: oh she stopped hiccuping
Nessa: this is going nowhere... uhm fuck I'ma stupo it and post it on the webbie, mkay?SS?
Qt: s?
Icheb: MAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!
Monika: *steering Nessa away from the comp* come on I'll finish this
Nessa: No you can't!
Monika: why??
Nessa: cuz it's over.
Monika: okay, Al.
Neesaa: *passes out*
`fan... fin... uhm what?
Back to top
Comedians Don't Drink
~~~
Monika: *dragging boys behind her* C'mon, we gotta find the place...
Qt: Yuk Yuk's?
Icheb: That's a stupid name.
Qt: You're a stupid name.
Icheb: At least I'm not a letter!
Monika: There it is! Rubber chicken handles; just like Nessa said!
Icheb: I see Nessa!
Qt: Liar
Icheb: No, really! She's right there!
Monika: *spots Nessa* For once, he's right. YO! Nessa!
Icheb: For once? I'm supposed to be the genius.
Qt: Evidently not.
*Nessa is huddling in Dave's arms cuz it's really freakin cold outside*
Nessa: *looking over to people yelling at her* Hey, Monika! Awesome, you brought them!
Monika: How could I not?
Nessa: This is a UC...
Monika: See?
Dave: Great... another one.
Nessa: Hehe, I'm so mean to throw him into these things!
Icheb: You're also mean for dropping us.
Nessa: We've been through that already. Monika and I got boyfriends, so we didn't need to vent our sexual frustrations with you two!
Qt: Women... *rolls eyes*
Nessa: Shut up. Oh, they're opening the doors, come on, it's freezing out here.
*all crowd into the comedy club and have a seat*
Monika: So, Nessa, when are you up?
Nessa: After the McDeez employee-
Icheb: Dave does stand-up?
Dave: *nonchallantly smacks Icheb upside the head*
Nessa: I wasn't finished. I'm after Ricky. Besides, Dave doesn't work there anymore.
Dave: I quit in style.
Nessa: Yeah, it was really sexy...
Qt: *ignoring them* Who's Ricky after?
Nessa: Jeese, I go up when I'm supposed to, okay? I think I'm fourth...
Icheb: *rubbing back of head* I'm thirsty.
Nessa: Got any money?
Icheb: No... why?
Nessa: The food is expensive here.
Dave: That reminds me, spot me a few bucks for a drink?
Nessa: Don't you owe me still?
Dave: Er... yeah...
Monika: Oooh, how much?
Nessa: Two backrubs and *whispers to Monika*
Monika: *looking impressed* Risen above monetary needs, have we?
Icheb: Haha! That makes Dave your love-slave! Live it up while you can, dude... it won't last long!
Qt: And we'll get the rebound stuff! Sweet! *high-fives with Icheb*
*Monika and Nessa stare woefully at them*
Monika: They just can't accept it.
Nessa: Let them live in their dream-land.
*music starts playing*
Dave: Show's starting. Didya sign in with Linda?
Nessa: Shit, no! *dashes off*
Icheb: This better be good. I expect to LOL
Qt: Oh yeah? I'm gonna LMAO!
Monika: You guys are n00bs.
Dave: Fesho.
Nessa: *comes back* What'd I miss?
Monika: A bit of chatspeak... not much else.
Nessa: Hmm. Anyway, turns out I am up fourth.
Icheb: Oooh, ar'ya nervous?
Nessa: No. I know what I'm doing.
Qt: Unflappable...
*first three comedians go and do their sets*
Ricky: Your next comedian is Ven-
Nessa: *hissing* Say 'Nessa', you dolt!
Ricky: Nessa!
*crowd applauds as Nessa goes onstage*
Nessa: Good eveni-
Qt: Get off the stage, you suck!
Nessa: *glares at Qt* evening, folks! Now, if anybody is offended by the use of big words, I'd like to apologize for my proceeding transgressions before commencing.
Icheb: *loudly... a little too loudly* Oh, I get it! Irony!!!
Nessa: He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Qt: Hack!!! You stole that!!!
Nessa: *gritting teeth and ignoring boys* So, has anybody seen that new M&M's commercial? You know, the one with the dude having a party and he dumps a bowl of M&M's over his radiator and they go floating across the room in their candy goodness?
Icheb: No!!! I haven't seen it.
Monika: *stuffs napkin in Icheb's mouth and hisses at him* shut up!
Nessa: Well, I tried that at my last party and let's just say my landlord was none too happy. At least my apartment smells like melted chocolate.
*audience laughs*
Qt: You don't live in an apartment! That's a lie!!! That never happened!
Nessa: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but it seems we have an asshole in the house tonight.
*audience laughs at Qt*
Monika: Woot! Go Nessa!
Dave: *smacks Qt with menu*
*Nessa finishes her set and rejoins the others... (cuz I don't feel like writing out 3 minutes worth of stand-up material)*
Qt: That was awesome!
Nessa: Oh yeah, no thanks to you...
Icheb: Mff?
Monika: Jeese... *takes napkin out of Icheb's mouth*
Icheb: I thought it was funny.
Nessa: I thought you were also an asshole.
Icheb: But girls are supposed to like assholes! I learned that in 'Whatever It Takes'. Prove me right, Dave!
Dave: Dude? No. Just... no.
Nessa: Mwahaha.
Monika: Shh! The next comedian is up!
Qt: I'm bored... *snaps fingers*
*everybody suddenly arrives in a burlesque house*
Qt: Now this is more like it!
Nessa: Did I mention that you're also a bastard? People are gonna ask questions when I go to class tomorrow!
Qt: So?
Icheb: Sweet, nearly naked women!!! *dashes off*
Monika: OMG...
Nessa: What?
Monika: That guy over there... topless, sexy pants, serving drinks... he looks just like Bill! *shrieks* It is Bill! *love-tackles Bill*
Qt: Dammit! How did that happen?
Nessa: Another mystery of the universe? Oh well. They have private rooms! Let's go, Dave! *runs off with Dave*
Qt: Well that's just great...
Burlesque Maiden: *coming over to Qt* Looking for some attention, Big Boy?
Qt: Am I ever!
Burlesque Maiden: Oh good! Perhaps... I can pleasure you?
Qt: *nodding feverishly and drooling*
Burlesque Maiden: *high pitched girly voice drops to a man's voice* I like assholes.
Monika: *eavesdropping on Qt while smooching Bill* Hehehe...
Qt: *muttering to self* Why does she write these things? I'm a Q! *snaps fingers* Well, Miss, shall we?
Burlesque Maiden: *giggling once more like a girl* Oui, monsieur!
`fin! Yay, everybody's happy ^^
Back to top
The Email That Was a UC
~~~
Qt: *waltzing up to Monika* Needless to say, the little green man is NOT pleased about expanding the site.
Monika: What? He said it was okay.
Qt: Shut up, what do you know?
Monika: Hey man, he told me.
Qt: Since when are you in charge?
Icheb: Since... forever. She wrote the first U.C.
Monika: I'm in charge?! YAY!!!
Qt: I thought Nessa was in charge...
Icheb: BAHAHAHA!
Nessa: *running up and smacking him* Shut up, prick!
Icheb: Ouch, where did you come from?!
Nessa: Canada!
Qt: That's a long way to come...
Monika: Hey, this is fiction.
Nessa: *nods* True 'dat.
Qt: I hate you people. *turns away*
Icheb: He abhors you, you pitiful humans.
Monika: The hell? What does that mean?
Icheb: *clears throat* abominate, be sicken by, despise, detest, dislike, execrate, feel disgust for, hate, loathe, scorn, view with horror-
Monika: *stares*
Icheb: What?
Monika: Never mind. This has gone on long enough...
Nessa: But-
Monika: Shh, quiet. I'm stopping this before it becomes a U.C.
Icheb: But I still have more things to say!
Monika: Shh, shut up Borg Boy!!
Icheb: *hangs head*
Qt: *patting Icheb* You hurt his feelings!
Nessa: That's a first.
Monika: Oh hell, this is already too long. *to Nessa* Make this a U.C., okay?
Nessa: Sure thing. *nods* But there's no nakedness involved here... it doesn't feel like a U.C.
Monika: That's true. What should we -
Qt: *snaps and girls are naked*
Nessa: Whao, holy fuc-
Monika: Eee! *jumps*
Nessa: Aw well. It's only fair.
Monika: Yeah, we deserved this.
Icheb: You aren't mad?!
Monika: Naw.
Nessa: We're understanding.
Monika: Let's find Bill and Dave.
Nessa: What about our clothes?
Monika: *shrugs* Mine would have come off anyway.
Nessa: *jaw drops* You liar!
Monika: Yeah, that was a lie, but this is my damn fiction, so stay out of it.
Nessa: Okayies. Let's go!
Monika: Hither on my friend!
Nessa: Eh?
Monika: Go.
Nessa: Oh, right. Bye guys!
*girls leave boys looking really pissed off*
Icheb: Nice job dude.
Qt: *holds head* I need a drink.
The End!
Back to top
Repo-Lady
~~~
Nessa: Isn't this place so awesome?
Monika: You cut your hair...
Nessa: I mean... we have our own club floor and stuff!
Icheb: Where the hell is Nessa? *looks at her* Holy shit, it's Cahra! AHH!
Qt: Cahra's here? Wait, who's the blond?
Icheb: My wife!
Kitty: Hi!
Nessa: A bowling alley...
Monika: *shaking Nessa* What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking. About!
Nessa: oh! Sims2! I built the UC HQ using it. Check out this place!
Qt: Cahra, you fooled me one too many times... always making me think you're Nessa... not anymore! *leaps onto Nessa*
Icheb: Get her!
Kitty: la la la la... *goes to the DJ booth and starts playing a house mix*
Nessa: Aiyee! Qt, get off of me!!!
Qt: Reveal yourself!!! *tugging on Nessa's hair*
Nessa: Oww you mofo! *masters Judo in an instant and throws him off* It's me! I got my hair cut, okay?
Qt: Err... I knew that.
Icheb: *in the corner, whistling*
Nessa: Oi! Dave! Why didn't you help?
Dave: Wha? Oh, I was stuck playing chess. Turn off the damn cheats!
Monika: Lawl, we're sims! Lookit my hair and complexion... so perfect!
Nessa: That's the beauty... and if you get fat, you can't become morbidly obese.
Qt: Haha, 'obese'...
Icheb: So, we've all got eternal youth, no need for food or showers or even taking the occasional pee... an endless supply of money... and I'm married?
Nessa: Yeah, with two kids. Me too, doofus.
Dave: Geh, we have kids?!
Nessa: I guess I should've told you guys before getting Qt to throw us into ourselves in the game...
Qt: Don't blame me, I was drunk!
Icheb: And our kids are in college... but all that stuff before, we're like friggin Qs now!
Qt: The novelty wears off, trust me.
Dave: Kids... two kids... *sits on chair, holding head*
Nessa: *shrugging* Could've had more...
Dave: *passes out*
Monika: Haha, he fainted. Hey, what's this lil heart thingy mean... *pointing to stats*
Nessa: Er... when Lily turned on-
Icheb: Who's Lily?
Nessa: My younger daughter.
Icheb: Oh, who are my kids? And why is my wife a total air head?
Nessa: That's not important! Lily turned the stereo on and so Dave and I were slow dancing together... and so were Kitty and Icheb... and Monika and Qt were by themselves, so I made them dance together and you guys kinda fell in love...
Monika: WHAT?!
Nessa: Oops? *sheepish grin*
Qt: Sweet!!!
Monika: What about Bill??? Huh???
Qt: Hey, have we done it?
Nessa: Err....
Monika: *slapping forehead* Nessa... you must be glad you live in Canada...
Nessa: Why? It's cold up here right now.
Monika: Because I may kill you!
Nessa: I can fix it!
Icheb: *poking Dave* haha, he's out cold...
Qt: This is pretty awesome, Nessa... what other cheats can you inflict to give us even more awesome... er... awesomeness?
Nessa: There's an age cheat... can make us any age we want.
Kitty: *still playing DJ* doo deee.... deepah dee dah doo doo dow dow... *humming Hamster Dance song*
Monika: So... we could be old people? Or kids?
Nessa: Yeah, pretty much...
Monika: Cool!
Icheb: Hey, is that a pool table?
Nessa: Yep.
Qt: Two cars... sexy cars... indoor pool... yeah, this place is pretty awesome... and OMG A TOASTER!!!
Nessa: That's a coffee machine.
Qt: Toast!!!
Monika: Let him believe what he wants...
Nessa: Oh, we have a carnivorous cow-plant...
Icheb: Moooo...
Nessa: One night a robber dude came and stole a six thousand dollar statue... and we were all pissed at him... and then slowly Qt gained his trust and invited him over... and then I had the cow-plant eat him!
Monika: Awesome!
Nessa: That's what you get for messing with the UC Crew!
Qt: What's it look like?
Nessa: uhm... really tall... head of a cow with fangs and sharp teeth but no eyes... planty-stalky thingy for the body and tail... thin... I dunno, it's a cow-plant!
Qt: Well, take screengrabs!
Icheb: Mooo... hey, turn us into kids!
Nessa: Seriously?
Icheb: Yeah!
Monika: This'll be funny...
Nessa: Alright... *turns on Aging cheat and turns everybody except Kitty into kids*
Qt: We're short!
Nessa: Ooh, Dave's still passed out... *pokes him*
Dave: Ah! *looks around* What the hell is going on here?
Nessa: We should have woke him up first...
Dave: Doy!!!
Monika: Ouch... lookit our grades... all F's! I don't want to be a failure as a child!!!
Dave: Why... what... you guys are all children... and lemmie guess, me too.
Nessa: Yep. I knew you were a cute kid! *ruffles his hair*
Dave: This is kinda... what's the word... wrong? Why do you drag me into these things?
Nessa: Don't worry, I can change us back.
Icheb: *jumping on the bed* Whooo!!
Monika: *pointing at window thingy* What's this warning mean?
Nessa: Something about improving our grades... ignore it.
Dave: Hey, why aren't we speaking in 'Simlish'?
Nessa: You know, that didn't occur to me... maybe we are but cuz we're all Sims now, we can understand each other in perfect English.
Dave: What about her? *pointing at Kitty*
Kitty: Oh, tuleigh! Shemo suprey?
Nessa: *ignoring them to go off on a random theory* Maybe the Sim world is the Matrix... and we're all plugged into it. But we're like the liberated humans...
Dave: Got an answer for everything, don't you...
Nessa: You know it!
Qt: Hey, what's that sound...
*ominous 'oh no' music tinkles in the background*
Nessa: Oh shit...
Dave: *rolling eyes* I knew this would end in tears...
Monika: What? You said everything would be fine!
Nessa: Er... uhmm... uh..
Dave: That's either the repo-man to take our stuff for not paying our bills, or the repo-lady to take us away because we're failing school.
Monika: AHHHHHHHH!!! *runs around panicking*
Icheb: I don't want to leave! I love this place!
Qt: Me neither!! Let's kill the repo-lady!
Dave: *looking out window* Fuck, she's coming!
Nessa: I didn't mean for this to happen!! *sits and cries*
Icheb: Quick, we need a plan! She can't take us all!
Qt: Let's kill the repo-lady!
Monika: I want Bill!!! *clutching teddybear*
Icheb: She's coming up the stairs...
Repo-Lady: Helloooo!!! I'm Irene, the social worker here to bring the unfortunate children of this household to new homes where they will be well taken care of!
Qt: Go away, Repo-lady! Or we'll kill you!!!
Irene: Now, now, children! You'll be much happier in your new homes!
Dave: No we won't!
Irene: *getting to the club floor* There you kids are!
Nessa: AH! Go away you crazy bitch!
Irene: I think I'll take you first... *grabbing Dave by the arm*
Nessa: Dave!!! NO!! *runs up and starts kicking Repo-lady* Letgo letgo letgo letgo!!!
Dave: Nes, help me! Damn sims programming won't let me do anything else!
*Repo-lady takes Dave into her blue van*
Irene: You next, sweetie! *grabs Icheb*
Monika: *running in circles* Wudduwedo wudduwedo wudduwedo?!
Nessa: I don't know...
Qt: DIE REPO-LADY!!!
*Repo-lady takes away Icheb, Nessa, and Monika*
Qt: Shit shit shit... she's coming for me next!
*in the van*
Nessa: *sobbing* Dave, I don't wanna go to somebody else's home!
Dave: Don't worry, I have a plan! *jumps into driver's seat and starts beating the crap out of the steering wheel* Help me!
Monika: Oh! Nessa, you picked a smart one!
Icheb: *breaks off turn signal and wiper sticks* Take that!
Nessa: *gets out of van and jumps on the hood* I've never destroyed a car before!
Dave: *breaks the steering wheel* She can't take us away without a car!
*back in the building*
Qt: If she's gonna take us, she's gonna have a lil trouble... *runs up to the roof* Where is it... OH!
Irene: *coming up the stairs* I know there's one more of you poor children up here somewhere...
Qt: Up here, bitch!
Irene: Don't worry, little boy! You'll have a new mommy and daddy to love you very soon! *sees Qt standing in front of the cow-plant* There you are!
Qt: I'm not going anywhere!
Irene: Oh honey, it'll be okay. I'm here to help you.
Qt: *sighing* If you say so... but I have nobody to share my cake with. Will you have a slice?
Irene: Oh you poor, sweet little boy! Of course I'll share with you!
Qt: Here's your slice... *steps away from the cow-plant*
*Repo-lady reaches for the slice of cake but the cow-plant (which is really displaying a piece of cake on its tongue) pulls the cake out of reach. She lunges for it but the cow-plant comes down and devours her. It gives a mighty belch and burps up a tombstone*
Qt: *staring at the cow-plant* Wow, good job! *pets it*
Cow-plant: Mooo! ^^
Qt: *kicks tombstone* That's what you get for messing with the UC Crew, bitch!
*three hours later*
*in the now completely trashed van*
Nessa: What's taking so long? Did Qt hide from her or something?
Dave: Well, I was gonna mention it 3 hours ago but I got the feeling that I wasn't being forced to stay by the van anymore.
Monika: Icheb, wake up. We can go.
Icheb: *wakes up* huh? These seats are really comfy once you beat up the stuffing a lil...
Monika: Nessa, are we gonna be kids forever?
Nessa: Uhm... *clicks mouse* Nope!
Dave: Phew...
*they head back inside*
Monika: Qt!!! Where are you???
Nessa: Do you hear giggling?
Dave: Yep...
*they run up to the roof*
Qt: *using the bubble bong thing* Hey guys!
Nessa: What the hell happened?
Qt: Well, I had a plan, you guys didn't listen... and I've been getting high off bubbles for the past 3 hours.
Monika: Where's Repo-lady?
Qt: *pointing at tombstone* Over there.
Dave: Nessa, I think you're a bad influence on these people.
Nessa: I plays Sims my way, you play Sims your way. It just so happens that I like to feed my cow-plants with unwilling victims.
Dave: And I like to have nightly oragies with my harems of women to carry my seed to the next generation.
Nessa: What?
Dave: Nothing.
Icheb: Sweet, a bong! Hey, there's no weed in this!
Monika: Nessa, change us back into our normal selves...
Qt: Yeah, I miss your boobs.
*Qt gets slapped*
Nessa: *clicks*
*POOF! Everybody's back to normal*
Dave: MUCH better...
Qt: So... you said Monika and I were in love, right?
Monika: Don't even think about it. I'm leaving this game before anything else horrible happens.
Icheb: It was kinda fun being a kid again...
Monika: Come on... *dragging Icheb by the collar*
Qt: Just once?
Monika: Shooflee! *random Simlish babble*
Nessa: Sorry, she's gone back to reality. Time for us to leave too.
Qt: This is the thanks I get for saving your asses once again.
*everybody leaves the game*
Kitty: Deepah dee dah doo doo dow dow... deee-bah do-dee dowww!
`Fin!!
Back to top
The U.C. That Was Finally Written
~~~
*Monika is in her room at her desk, trying to write*
Icheb: *walking in* HEY! It’s been a long time! What’s up—
Monika: SHH! *waves arm, distracted* Go away!
Icheb: *hovering around her* What’re you doin’, what’re you doin’, huhhuhhuh?
Monika: I’m trying to write a U.C.!
Icheb: Oh – huh? Then… how am I here?
Monika: Because *looks up* Shut up! Stop confusing me! Go away!
*pop*
Qt: Yo dudes!
Ichbe: SHH! She’s trying to write a U.C.!
Qt: WTF? How am I here then?
Icheb: That’s what I asked.
Monika: Will you two shut up? I’m trying to work! *busily writes*
Qt: What’s wrong? Has our sexy monkey gotten her undies in a twist?
Monika: *ignoring him*
Icheb: Has our ringding cheerleader get chocolate sauce up her nose?
Qt: Has Ted the green alien bitten your ass?
Icheb: That the hell does that mean?
Qt: Um…
Monika: GO AWAY YOU TWO!
Nessa: *walking in* Hi guys!
Monika: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
Nessa: *startled* What did I do???
Qt and Icheb: She’s writing a U.C.!
Nessa: Then how—
Icheb: Don’t ask.
Qt: We don’t know.
Nessa: *plunking down on bean-bag chair* What do you have so far?
Icheb: *looking over Monika’s shoulder* HOOOOOLD on. Since when is “plunking” a word? Take that sentence up there out! I demand it!
Monika: *shoves Icheb, who falls into lamp* Stop reading over my shoulder!
Nessa: Besides, I think plunking is a word…
Monika: I’ll google it!
Nessa: Good idea!
Icheb: Plunking is not a goddamn word.
Qt: OMG, Pollypocket!! *picks up mini doll*
Monika: Ahem. Plunking: To drop or fall abruptly or heavily; plump: plunked onto the couch with a sigh of relief.
Icheb: I reject that!
Qt: OMFG! And a mall of fashions?!
Monika: You can’t reject it. American Heritage says so!
Nessa: What about Canadian Heritage? HOCKEY!
Icheb: Listen, unless Mr. Webster rises from the dead and tells me so himself, I’m not taking your flimsy-ass definitions!
Monika: What the hell is up with you?
Nessa: Uh, guys. Qt is having way too much funny with Polly over there.
Qt: *sitting on floor* Oh no, Polly. Blue doesn’t make you look fat.
Nessa: *sneaking up* BOO!
Qt: *jumps and little toy pieces fly* AH! Don’t do that!!!!
Nessa: *laughs ass off*
Monika: No one understands your sensitive side.
Qt: Yeah! Wait…
Icheb: *tossing picture frame* Man, this is boring!
Monika: NOT MY PICTURE OF BILL! *grabs pic and shoves it in her shirt*
Nessa: AW! Monika is dry humping her boyfriend’s picture!
Monika: Am not! *sheepish*
Nessa: Plunk, plunk, plunk. Itchy’s a plunking plunker!
Monika: *sighs* This is never going to end. I say the U.C. is done.
Icheb: Do I get the last laugh?
Monika: HAHAHA, no.
Icheb: HA.
Monika: HA, Nope.
Nessa: Is this ending? Are we off script?
Icheb:… HA! Gotcha!
Monika: HA, NOPENOPENOPE!
Icheb: H—
*fin*
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The Halloween Episode
~~~
*somewhere deep in the woods of western Canada*
Nessa: *wearing Iron Maiden costume* I so want Kit Kats. All Kit Kat. No crap candy
Monika: *dressed as the Pope* You know, beggers can't be choosers.
Nessa: Says who? You go out, say 'Trick-or-Treat', get candy, and whatever isn't Kit Kat, you throw on their lawn.
Monika: Then I want Mr. Big!
Icheb: *popping out from behind tree, dressed as Qt* You called?
Nessa: Qt, you are Mr. Slighty Above Average.
Qt: *drops down from the tree, costuming as Icheb, and huffs at the girls* Hey, I can change anything I want! I just didn't want to scare you girls away!
Monika: *pointing from Icheb to Qt* Huh?
Icheb: We're going as each other for Halloween!
Nessa: I'd be snarky, but that's moderately original.
Qt: Why, thank you. *leans in to Nessa, hoping for a kiss*
Monika: Kinda creepy.
Icheb: And the Pope isn't? Priests touch little boys!!!
Nessa: *shoving Qt off* So, what's the first neighbourhood we're hitting?
Monika: Stop saying words with the U!
Nessa: I can't help it, I'm Canadian.
Qt: I vote the rich neighbourhood! I hear they give out whole pop cans.
Nessa: I think he's Canadian too.
Icheb: Guys... holy crap... I have an idea.
Monika: *sarcastic* Enlighten us. Please.
Icheb: We should all dress as political figures and mess with the federacy!
Nessa: Is 'federacy' a word?
Icheb: It should be.
Qt: I thought we were getting candy.
Monika: Which country?
Nessa: It doesn't matte-
Icheb: Canada.
Monika: It's always Canada!
Icheb: And then the States.
Nessa: Told you, we're in Canada.
Qt: Can I be Linda Blair?
Nessa: You're thinking of Tony Blair. And he's the British prime minister! Or at least I think he was...
Icheb: Dibs on Mel Lastman.
Monika: Who?
Icheb: Former mayor of Toronto! The guy who keeps screaming "Noooooooobody!" from the Bad Boy furniture stores.
Monika: I thought this was a UC adventure, not a lesson in Canadian politics.
Nessa: Then you can be the current mayor, David Miller!
Monika: I dunno... I think I wanna be a girl.
Qt: *cough* says the one dressed like the Pope. *gets slapped* Oww!
Icheb: Wait, can I change my mind? I wanna be Stephan Dion.
Nessa: But he's a loser! According to Harper smear campaigns...
Qt: Why don't we just mutiny? We'll be here all night trying to decide which political leader to impersonate.
Nessa: You mean like Louis Riel? Or maybe William Lyon Mackenzie... yeah, Willie.
Monika: Fuck it, let's just get candy.
*a rustling is heard nearby*
Qt: Wasn't me.
*more rustling and animal noises*
Nessa: I don't wanna sound like a shitty teen movie but... guys, I don't think we're alone.
*killer freak-out music strikes up and about a hundred or so bloody-mouthed people come running through the woods*
Nessa: It's not a shitty teen movie, RUN!!!
*the UC Crew bolts through the trees*
Monika: *between breaths* Which... movie... is it?
Qt: 28 something-or-other Later!
Icheb: Days or Weeks?
Nessa: *clutching a stitch in her side* Who cares? Q!!! Get us the fuck out of here!
*Qt snaps and the four appear inside what seems to be a bomb shelter. Snarling and screaming is heard outside*
Qt: Now it's REALLY like the movie!
Monika: You dumbshit! You could have sent us anywhere!
Qt: *grinning like a fool* I know, I just like the terror.
Icheb: I don't wanna turn on you, bud, but this is lame.
Qt: What the fuck, man!
Nessa: Ooh, boy fight!
Monika: Oh jeese, this is so stupid.
*everybody makes to dive on Q to start beating on him but he snaps his fingers, throwing the room to a flash of light*
Qt: Happy?
Nessa: Where are we now?
Qt: 24 Sussex Drive.
Monika: Hehe, 'sex'.
Icheb: Whoo, the Prime Minister's house! We could do some damage.
Nessa: I thought we dropped that idea.
Qt: I'm gonna go look for candy.
*Qt leaves*
Nessa: *looking around the large office they are now in* Let's fuck up the country.
Monika: No taxes!
Icheb: Properly priced books!
Nessa: Pool tables for all!
*the next day*
*everybody, except Qt, is draped across a huge king-size bed, all sound asleep*
*a knock on the bedroom door*
Qt: Guys? Are you in there?
Nessa: *stirring awake* Qt?
*Nessa shoves Icheb and Monika awake*
Qt: *coming in* I had the craziest night. I went out looking for candy and ran into this group of Trek fans who weren't actually huge-time nerds and we went out drinking and I just found my way back here now.
Monika: And you didn't invite us? I'm not talking to you.
Qt: Well what the hell did you three do?
Icheb: Got into the liquor cabinet and might've changed a few laws. You know, your usual Wednesday night.
Nessa: Peach Schnopps is awesome. Now, fetch me the paper!
Qt: *sighs and snaps his fingers* There.
Nessa: *staring at the front page of the paper she's now holding* Uhm, guys... I think we went a little too far this time.
Monika: *snatching paper from Nessa* What?
Icheb: *reading over her shoulder* Homeless People to be Rounded Up and Turned Into Soylent Green.
Nessa: Well... Toronto won't smell like ass anymore.
Monika: There's more. "Enforced Abortions for..." I'm not gonna finish that.
Qt: Are you serious? How much liquor cabinet were you into?
Icheb: Oh wait, here's our new law... "Kit Kat is LAW"
Qt: Then... who made the other ones?
*bedroom door opens and silouetted figure stands in the doorway*
Nessa: *gaspe!* Stephen Harper!!!
Stephen Harper: *stepping forward menacingly* Get out of my bed!
Monika: He really is a baby-eater!!!
Stephen Harper: RAAWGGHGH! *jumps at them*
*Qt snaps his fingers one last time and they all appear safely in the UC Headquarters*
Icheb: Hey, guys...
Nessa: *holding head* What?
Icheb: Think he'd be mad that I stole his wife's undies?
Monika: *sighing and sinking back into the couch* Happy Halloween, you crazy motherfucker.
the aind!
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A U.C. After like… twenty years procrastinating…
By Jo (aka Monika)
*Monika, Nessa, Icheb and Qt in Cargo Bay 2*
Monika: Shit, we haven’t been in this cargo bay in forever!
Nessa: I know! It’s been so long. What happened to our bean-bag chairs?
Monika: We had bean bags chairs? I don’t remember that…
Nessa: …oh… okay then!
Monika: *shrugs* Yo, Itchy!
Icheb: *sitting with back to them* Leave me alone, you stupid people.
Nessa: Whooooo, what’s your problem?
Icheb: *whipping around and sputtering* What’s my problem?! WHAT’S MY PROBLEM?!
Monika: that would be the question at hand!
Icheb: YOU DARE ASK, BITCHES!
Nessa: Hey, you don’t need to be so rude!
Icheb: First, you tie me down, then you pour various sticky, gross liquids on me, you harass me, you torment me, you act like you love me, then you ditch me and ignore me, and mock me!
Nessa: So?
Monika: Yeah, I don’t understand what that has to do with this.
Icheb: You’ve been ignoring me for like, the last 2 years!!!!
Nessa: nah-ah!
Monika: yeah, nah-ah!
Icheb: Yes! You two have ignored me for far too long! And you’ve ignored Qt too!
Qt: huh? *picking nose, quickly stops* Oh, right- YEAH!
Monika: Whatever, I’m writing a UC now!
Nessa: Yeah, let’s have an adventure!
Monika: We’re going on an adventure Charlie!!!!
Nessa: :P YEAH CHARLIE!!!!!
Icheb: *ripping out hair* SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Qt: You need some counciling, Itchy.
Icheb: Whose side are you on?!
Qt: Theirs.
Icheb: *glare*
Qt: er, yours!
Monika: Let’s go to Candy Mountain!
Nessa: Yeah, candy mountain, Charlie! It’s a magical land of sweets and joy…and joyness.
Icheb: STOP!!!!!!!! I HATE CHARLIE THE UNICORN!
Nessa: aw, no fun!
Icheb: *getting really mad* You two are like a bunch of garden hoes!
Monika and Nessa: ??
Icheb: Cheap, dirty, and COMMON!
Nessa: All things I value!
Monika: Hehe, yeah, me too!
Icheb: Argh. I give up!
Nessa: So easily? You usually put up more of a fig—
Icheb: *smacks Nessa with pillow*
Nessa: *falls over*
Monika: Whooo, where did THAT come from?
Qt: *whistling*
Nessa: OMFG – you DIE BORG!
Icheb: We’re not scared of you…are we?
Qt: *gulps* I am.
Monika: I am too!
Nessa: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs at Icheb*
Icheb: ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *runs around Cargo Bay*
Monika: *to Qt* So I haven’t utilized your snapping power in some time.
Qt: What are you getting at?
Monika: So, if I wanted something…say, a lava lamp, for example, you would be willing to do a little snapping…
Nessa: I’m gonna rip out all your circuts—
Monika: Oh baby!
Icheb: *crying and running* STOP! I have a stich in my side!
Monika: so about that lava lamp.
Qt: What’s in it for me?
Monika: You can look at all the pretty shapes and be carried into a land of glorious wax bliss.
Qt: Works for me. What about them? *nodding at Nessa, who has Icheb in headlock*
Monika: They’ll come around.
Qt: Cool beans.
*Two hours later*
Monika: ohhhhhh, pretttttttty shapessssss *stares at lava lamp, sitting in middle of Cargo Bay*
Nessa: that one looks like a moose!
Qt: Everything looks like a moose to you!
Nessa: moosys…
Monika: mooses.
Nessa: mmm, moose meat…
Icheb: *staring through black eye and adjusting arm sling* I hate you all. Lava lamps are stupid.
Monika: *gasps* Shun the non-believer!
Nessa: shuuuuunnnnnnn.
Monika: SHUUUUUUNNNNNNnnna.
Icheb: What did I do to deserve this?
FINUS!!! :-*
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